Weekend jokes

[sstilingservice]

-"My lance is the only one thats telescopic."

 

[enduro]

What do you call a girl band with nits...
The lice girls...Sorry my 8yo daughter thought it was funny

 

[sstilingservice]

Surley it's the scraturdays ( bit more up to date )

 

[sstilingservice]

Sorry that was terrible:mad2:

 

[village tiling]

the missus came home last night really upset and said she needed consoling....so i smashed her round the head with my xbox!!!!

 

[user123]

No worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about
painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms."

 

[doug boardley]

how do you turn an orange on?.............................................................................
lick it's citrus

 

[user123]

The Sneeze


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose! Her body shaking even more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an ******."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"


The woman nodded, "Pepper"...

 

[brian c]

mrs C liked that one Gis.:lol:

 

[sstilingservice]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."