Weekend jokes

[wivers]

*******!!

 

[wivers]

News flash!!!!

A burglary has just been committed at Manchester City's stadium and the entire contents of the trophy room was stolen. Police are hunting a man carrying a pale blue carpet!

 

[user123]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[wivers]

3 Rottweilers are in a waiting room at the vets surgery and after a while get talking.

"i was out walking with my master" says the first dog " when a mugger attacked him, so i chased him and bit him to death and thats why i'm here to be put down".

The second dog says, " I was in the house when a burglar broke in and tried to steal the tv so i jumped on him and bit his arm off, thats why i'm here being put down"

The third dog says, " I was in the bedroom and saw my masters wife naked and bending over the bath , so i sneaked up and gave her a one from behind"

"They are putting you down for that reply the other 2 dogs"!?

"No she's brought me here to have my claws clipped!"

 

[cornish_crofter]

*******!!

You liked that one then did you Wivers?:lol:

 

[wivers]

Yes it wasn't bad Mr pasty. If thats what hells like though...count me in!!!!!

 

[brian c]

6 reasons why men prefer guns to women.

1. you can trade an old 45 for a 22.
2.you can admire a friends gun and he will let you try it.
3.your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo.
4.guns function normally EVERYDAY.
5.guns dont mindif you go to sleep after you use them.
6.YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN:lol::lol::lol:

 

[user123]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'

 

[enduro]

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm, and says to the barman can i have a pint and one for the road!!!!

 

[cornish_crofter]

This one's off Only Fools and Horses.

Rob, Mick etc and anyone who may not know, this is a comedy about a couple of brothers who live in Peckam in London and are market traders.

Del is a typical wheeler dealer type. He's always got a roomful of knocked off Rolex watches etc, Rodney, his younger bo, isn't the sharpest pencil in the box. He has also been done for posession of cannabis whilst at art college.

They're in a posh London bar chatting up these two women. They are pretending that they are professional tennis players.

During the conversation, one of them turns around to Rodney and asks "So do you prefer grass or astroturf (to play tennis on)?"

Rodney replies "I wouldn't know, I've never smoked astro turf"